


Love, Benry

by neonowes



Series: Love, Benry [1]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: Angst, M/M, Or Is It?, Post-Canon, Unrequited Crush, benry doesnt actually appear in person cuz hes dead :(, diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25159147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonowes/pseuds/neonowes
Summary: After the events at Black Mesa, Gordon finds Benrey’s diary
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: Love, Benry [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1870267
Comments: 54
Kudos: 659





	Love, Benry

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on a post I made on my tumblr (@aptronyms) ^_^

Gordon was trying his best to enjoy Tommy’s birthday party, really, he was. The pizza, while it didn’t taste great by any means, was the first real food he’d had in ages, so he could ignore the overwhelming brightness of the lights and the sticky feeling of the tables. For Tommy’s sake.

What he just couldn’t ignore, for some reason, was the fact that there was a journal lying underneath one of the booths. It had a Lisa Frank pattern on the cover, just glittery enough to catch his eye.

It was real beat up too, the entire thing looked like it had been through hell. He didn’t know what the kid who left it here had been doing with it, but—

Ok, that was a bloodstain. Right on the face of the bright pink dolphin on the diary’s cover.

Gordon quickly checked to see if no one would notice him sneak away to check it out, and once he was sure the Science Team was sufficiently distracted, he did just that.

Upon closer inspection, it was without a doubt a bloodstain.

Gordon struggled to think of a single reason why a bloodstain this big would be on the cover of some kid’s diary. Hoping he could get some answers, he peeked inside. Not to invade the kid’s privacy, obviously, just to see if there was a name, maybe even a phone number, he wouldn’t want—

Gordon’s blood ran cold.

Underneath the line “This diary belongs to...”, written with sparkly gel pen in a poor attempt at cursive, was “BENRY”.

Benrey? Benrey?

Gordon reread the line, over and over, because it couldn’t say Benrey. This couldn’t be Benrey’s. Because Benrey was dead, and there’d be no way for something of his to get in here. He tried to reason with himself, that maybe it just belonged to some kid named Barney or Bernie who didn’t know how to spell yet!

He flipped to a random page, just to be sure.

> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _BLEH i just wanted to do my job today but some guy has to show up and just ruin everything i just wanna play GAMES with ppl man (josh just got heavenly sword new game out)  
>  but he shows up DICK OUT and starts yelling at me like i did something?? just need his passport dont know why he has to be so rude about it. so so sucks  
>  he’s got pretty hair so that kinda makes up for it i guess _
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_

Yeah, okay, holy shit. Gordon had no clue how it got there, but it was definitely Benrey’s diary. Benrey had a _diary_.

His first instinct was to laugh, because the concept of Benrey writing about his feelings in a hot pink diary like a middle schooler was objectively hilarious. The more he thought about it, however, the more he realized that this could be a chance to figure out what the hell was going on in Benrey’s fucked up little head.

But before he could continue reading, a loud voice caught his attention.

“GORDON, STOP CROUCHING SUSPICIOUSLY IN THE CORNER AND GET THE HELL OVER HERE, TOMMY’S OPENING HIS PRESENTS!” Bubby shouted at him, shoving all of the paper plates and plastic utensils off of the table to make room for Tommy’s presents, of which there were only three.

Gordon flinched, standing up and making his way to where the rest of the Science Team and Tommy’s dad were sitting.

He knew for a fact he didn’t want any of them finding out about the diary, lord knows what they’d do with it, so he held his hands behind his back the entire time. He was lucky the Science Team was naturally oblivious, alongside being distracted by the gifts on the table, and didn’t notice how obviously suspicious he was acting. Or at least, if they did notice, they didn’t comment on it.

Once he’d finished with his gifts, Tommy was gracious enough to let Gordon borrow one of the gift bags, despite the half-baked excuse he was given (“My, uh, my son— Joshua? You remember Joshua, right? He loves gift bags. Can’t get enough of ‘em!”)

He quietly slipped the journal into the bag and waved his goodbyes to the rest of the science team, as well as Mr. Coolatta, before finally, _finally_ , being able to head home.

—

He swore he nearly cried the second he stepped into his apartment. He dropped the bag by the door, wasting no time racing to the bathroom so he could finally get out of his HEV suit and into a nice, warm shower— and god, watching all the grime that had accumulated from his week at Black Mesa flow down into the drain was unbelievably satisfying.

As Gordon dried off his hair, he thought about how happy he was that this had been one of Joshua’s weeks with his mom.

And even though he had just been through what was easily the worst experience of his entire life, Gordon was just too curious to be tired.

He _really_ wanted to know what else Benrey had written in his diary.

As he made his way to the front door, Gordon contemplated whether he should actually snoop in Benrey’s diary. It was really rude, not to mention a huge invasion of privacy— 

He laughed at himself before he could even finish his thought. Benrey was _dead_ , he didn’t have any privacy to invade, and Gordon wasn’t planning on wasting the opportunity to finally understand even a bit of what Benrey’s fucked up thought process was throughout their time at Black Mesa.

Settling down on his bed, he opened the journal to the page he had left off on, the entry for the day he and Benrey had first met, and kept reading.

At first, most of it was either things he already knew or typical Benrey-brand nonsense, complaining about Gordon’s lack of a passport or how he would much rather be playing games at that moment.

One page did catch his eye, however.

> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _i died again  
>  door this time, tried to hold it up so my friends could get through but it was big and metal and crushed me majorly  
>  my friend tommy did it but i dont think it was on purpose so ill forgive him when he apologizes  
>  gordon was the only one worried about me like a baby idiot and i dont know why? like im gonna RESPAWN bud so calm down maybe? please?_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_

Gordon remembered when that happened, and he remembered being genuinely concerned about Benrey, but who wouldn’t be, watching someone get crushed by a giant metal door like that? He didn’t know why Benrey thought it was such a stupid thing to worry about.

Well, he did, since it was written right on the page in front of him, but he couldn’t understand why Benrey assumed that Gordon had been fully aware of his ability to “respawn” at the time.

He was also confused by the use of the word friends. Benrey hadn’t considered the Science Team to be his friends, right? He was just waiting for them to get to Xen, where he’d be able to kill them. That’s what Gordon had gathered, at least, because it was the only conclusion that made any sense to him.

Whatever, it’s not like it mattered anyway. He’d probably find the answers if he continued reading, and so continue reading he did.

But with every use of the word “friends” that popped up as he did so, Gordon felt more and more anxious. About what, he had no idea.

And then he reached the pages about his arm.

> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _gordons mad at me for no reason again, but this time he’s trying to just ignore me instead of getting ANGRY n i dont like that?  
>  my friend bubby gets it, we played soccer and complained about gordon and we’re gonna pull a mad cool prank on him and itll make him so annoyed  
>  gordons funny when hes annoyed and mad because when hes mad he gets ANGRY mad and its funny  
>  i heard him say he wants to be a streamer like of video games, which is really yes because i really like video games and maybe we can play games together sometime together maybe? id like that_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_
> 
> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _talked more about the prank with my friend of bubby and we got a good great idea  
>  we’re gonna get gordon so real good n then he wont ignore me anymore cuz he’ll see how funny i am  
>  dont tell bubby but im gonna get gordons ARM cut off too n itll be real funny  
>  i hope it works_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_
> 
> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _i dont think it worked  
>  gordon just seems even more angry which is STUPID  
>  my friend coomer loses his limbs all the time and doesnt complain he just makes new better ones so i dont see why he needs to be such a big baby about it like JUST GROW A NEW ONE IDIOT!!!!! please??_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_
> 
> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _human limbs dont grow back_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_

It didn’t make sense.

It didn’t make any sense because Benrey was _awful_. He was a horrible, irredeemable monster, completely devoid of emotion and remorse.

At least the Benrey that Gordon made up in his head was.

The more Gordon thought about Benrey, the worse he felt. He was annoying, sure, but… he didn’t mean to be, did he?

Gordon hated even entertaining the thought, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Benry wasn’t human, and from the sound of it, he didn’t even fully understand the way that humans worked. But he wanted to. He wanted to understand them, and he wanted Gordon to understand him, because he thought Gordon was his _friend._

Gordon’s stomach churned. He didn’t want to read anymore.

...He turned the page.

> _“DEAR DIARY,_
> 
> _i fucked up big time  
>  now gordon hates me the most which is sucks. its really suck  
>  hes such a dick all the time wish he told me but he didnt and i fucked up and now hes angry and sad and i dont know how to stop it  
>  i really dont wanna be bad i dont wanna be bad at ALL i just want him to—”_

The rest of the entry had been scribbled out, as well as stained with a couple of pink splotches (Gordon was unsure what they were made of, exactly, but they smelled like strawberries).

Benrey’s handwriting had become more sloppy as the entry progressed, the last few words were nearly illegible, in fact, and the scribbles and stains certainly weren’t helping, but Gordon was still able to make out most of the words, and fill in the blanks when one was a bit too obscured.

He wished that he hadn’t bothered.

> _“—stop. i wanna make him smile again and laugh again because his laugh makes me feel so much and makes me want him to cup my face and tell me he loves me and then kiss me on the lips so tenderly  
>  i hate this cause im not SPOSED to feel this im sposed to be BAD cause he wants me to be BAD but he makes me wanna be not bad_
> 
> _i love gordon but i think im doing it wrong_
> 
> _LOVE, BENRY”_

Gordon could hardly even process what he’d just read. He reread it over and over, thinking that he just misread it, looking for evidence that it was just some sort of joke and that Benrey didn’t actually feel that way about him. That every flirty comment had been nothing but an attempt to get under his skin.

Gordon flipped the page, hoping that if he didn’t acknowledge it then he would be able to pretend he’d never even seen it in the first place.

Only the next page managed to be worse.

There was no entry written on it. Instead, Benrey had been practicing his signature repeatedly, in the same sloppy, uneven cursive that Gordon had seen on the very first page.

On this page, however, the signatures all read “BENRY FREEMAN”.

It reminded him of a teenage girl, writing what her name would be if she married her celebrity crush, and it made Gordon’s heart race and his head spin.

It was only when he noticed the small, messy drawing of him and Benrey holding hands that he realized he’d started crying.

He shouldn’t be crying, he knew he shouldn’t be, especially not over Benrey. No matter how Benrey felt, he had still hurt him, hurt his friends. He knew that his anger towards Benrey was justified, and that he shouldn’t have to go out of his way just to understand someone who was nothing but antagonistic towards him.

...

He still wished that he had. Gordon hated to admit it, but, even if it was only a little bit, he wishes he had made more of an effort to understand him. Maybe things could’ve gone better between them. Maybe they could have been friends.

_Maybe they could have been more_ , a voice in the back of Gordon’s head added.

He ignored it.

Gordon had regretted it every single time he made the decision to read any further, and decided that he’d exercise restraint just this once to avoid any more guilt. He’d had enough of that today, thank you very much.

Quietly, he wiped his eyes and stood up. The clock on his nightstand read “1:03 am”. Shit, he hadn’t meant to stay up so late.

He sighed, realizing just how tired he was, especially after finding out that the person who he killed just earlier today had been in love with him, even when he had acted nothing but abrasive and stubborn in return—

He ignored that thought as well. That was Tomorrow-Gordon’s emotional breakdown to have. Tonight-Gordon just wanted to go to sleep, because he was getting real sick of everything that today had decided to throw at him.

Gordon travelled towards his dresser. He pulled open his sock drawer and buried the book as deep as it could go and hoped that if he never thought about it again, then it would just stop existing.

His bed was the first comfortable surface he’d been able to lay down on in days, and yet it was still hard to fall asleep. Nearly impossible, in fact. Gordon just couldn’t get a single word he’d read in that journal out of his head, no matter how hard he tried.

And for the first time in his life, he found himself wishing that Benrey were there with him.

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! ive never posted my writing like anywhere before, so i hope i did all of this right! anyway, actual notes below
> 
> \- AS MENTIONED AT THE BEGINNING this is based on a post i made on tumblr! my blogs @aptronyms, check it out ;P  
> \- i feel like i was WAY too harsh on gordon bc its not supposed to sound like that :( i think it was reasonable for him to be upset with benry because well he cut off his fucking arm but it kinda sounds like this entire fic is just me trying to bully the shit out of gordon but ITS NOT im sorry gordon <3  
> \- i actually spell it benry but the idea that its normally spelled benrey and benry is the only one who leaves out the e is so fun so i did that, benry in his diary entries, benrey everywhere else  
> \- im of the Opinion that benry cries sweet voice because itd be cool as hell so if u were wondering what the pink splotches were. well now you know (pink means LOVE because im sappy <3)


End file.
